Post by jc on Mar 17, 2013 12:12:05 GMT -5
Dietrich Hectors left two LONG suicide notes on Facebook, in Dutch. For those interested, here is an English translation, with help from Google translate.
EXPLANATION
Fifteen June 2009
I feel incredibly bad ...
I can hardly describe what I feel difficult in the sense of hard to understand. But I am still trying to explain.
I can describe what I feel difficult, difficult in the sense of difficult understandable. But I'm going to try to explain it anyway.
I currently really no point in life. I am 29 years and I was in the prime of my life to sit. But I have an incurable disease, called tinnitus and hyperacusis, which dominated/governed my whole life. Tinnitus does not hear that sound, Tinnitus means sound hear that is not there; hyperacusis means sensitivity to noise. But the disease includes other things than these two. The medical aspect is discussed later, I am currently limited to a description of symptoms.
I can not talk right now because it hurts my ears. The tapping on the keyboard is even a little pain in my ears. The hum of the PC, I can barely tolerate. It is clear that hyperacusis an agony for your life. Talking is difficult, social contact is kept to a minimum. For a 29-year-old is very painful. All "fun" (= social) things I do I pay for post with additional pain or a persistent worsening of the disease. That is very stressful, it's not only physical pain but it is especially heavy on mentally. The physical pain of the ears is not comparable to other pains. Normally you can take a pill against it, but it does not help against this pain. You can just let time pass and wait for weeks to rest a little better. The mental plane is even harder: it makes you despondent and you get scared for sophisticated rings.
Pain is not the only, I am charged with a constant hum and beep tone that haunts me everywhere. Everyone has it happened that one out to a loud party / disco comes, and the ears institutes / squeak. It's terrible. I have changed my life it: next to my bed is a PC, through whose buzz I hardly hear my tinnitus. So I can still happily asleep. So I can fortunately still sleep well. As I have said often enough background not to realize it's there. But the problem is that this background not to be loud, otherwise I will be getting more pain in my ears. So I have a certain sound in-band, between two specific levels. It is devastating that these levels are closer to each other, but more about that later.
Thirdly, there is a constant feeling of pressure in my ears. About the feeling when you ride uphill-downhill with the car. You get a kind of pressure on your ears, you swallow once and it's gone. But I can swallow one million times, those pesky press does not go away. Another way to describe it is like water in your ears that constantly press your eardrum. How it felt. So it feels. It's tiring to you about the pressure to rush, so I do not think too much and it is not unduly burdensome. When I work out the pressure is much worse. I wish you a picture of how my disease I've suffered through the years and how I gradually came to know everything. I want to give you an example how I have suffered through the years my disease and how I slowly came to know everything.
The hyperacusis is terrible, terrible disease consumes much energy. Imagine once again that every word you say hurts, and that with a constant steam whistling in your ears. I have my life changed drastically sinc
e I last did this ailment. I used a hyper-social person, I wanted constant contact with people every night in the pub or enjoy each others company with people. Now I'm constantly at home, alone in the silence. I would love to have children in my life, but I would never cope because of their noise. This frustrates me immensely. . This frustrates me to no end.
How did I come to this condition? Well, it's not suddenly happened: from nothing to the level I have now. It is done in steps, getting worse and worse. To properly explain we have a big 15 years back in time to ....
1993
I'm 14 and I do not keep to myself during puberty. I had never really listened much to music, until I and Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit discovered. There I found what I was looking back. There was a whole new world for me. I find radio station Studio Brussels and there along many other hard rock bands: Smashing Pumpkins, Therapy?, Metallica, Helmet, Soundgarden, dEUS, Clawfinger, Silverchair, Green Day, Offspring ... but Nirvana still in the lead. I love my discovery of the hard rock genre. The death of Kurt Cobain grabs me and motivates me just harder to listen to the genre. I get passionate about music. It is my hobby, my money goes towards it.
1995
Making music, I had never thought, until a comrade suddenly came down with the idea together a band. I hesitated at first, but I was jealous of him when I saw him working on his brand new electric guitar. Because I did not have enough pennies for an electric guitar, I bought myself a folk guitar at the end of August 1995 thick 3000 francs. The thing will probably not good chuckle, but when I started playing there I thought it was great. I learned through some simple books seized, and further myself playing some songs from Nirvana. The guitar has been very amateurish, I like a few notes after each other well from playing, I was already satisfied. Gradually managed to play a little better but I'm not put too high standards.
Firm adolescent meantime, I started with comrades and friends of the parties and the bars close to scour. I loved to bang your head on solid rock, with my T-shirt Nirvana or Therapy?. Will probably have looked ridiculous, but so what, I felt cool anyway. It was then that I first had contact with T (T for tinnitus and hyperacusis H). I found somewhere on a Saturday-Sunday night in April 1996 with my friend Geoffrey outdoors at a party at the Rex. This is a party venue pretty close to home. We walk home. He says to me: "Amai my ears institutes". I must also admit, my ears whistle wonderful hard. The party had been just too loud. But it was the morning I wake up without whistling ears. Geoffrey and I went in those days almost always out together, usually without wheezing due ears. But it happened now and then sometimes after a party that both our ears tuutten. In the morning we never had more trouble, so who cares. It would be small beer to me a few months later what to expect ...
Gradually shifted my music genre. Nirvana I had a little too much rotation and the other hard rock bands I could not as satisfactory as Kurt Cobain's work did. I started listening to heavier music to pay to get my music, metal, my new favorite genre. I started listening to bands like Biohazard, Pantera, Metallica, Sepultura, Machine Head, Fear Factory, ... The day I type this (June 15, 2009) I still lament this move, why will become clear immediately.
Twenty November 1996
Concert of Sepultura in Brabanthal in Leuven, Floodgate and Strife in the schedule. Since one of my metal listening biggest hobbies came, I eagerly looked forward to this performance by one of my favorite bands. I went to it with fellow metal fans: a companion and two friends. The problem was that it was a Wednesday, "so the next day back to school. My father was so kind to us to bring something to drink now in Leuven, and later to pick us.
Before the start of the gigs I walk around the room. I see people everywhere with t-shirts which are bands that I like. I feel at home. I see people laughing and oorwatten them inside out. I see people with oorwatten in and laugh them internally. "Yet no oorwatten putin for a concert," I think to myself, and I find myself so very tough. "However no oorwatten enter for a concert", I think to myself and I find me o so tough.
It is 20 hrs, Strife begins to play. From the first note I hear that something is not good. The music is just too loud, I feel the guitars and drums thundering in my ears. Something so loud I have never experienced. I keep looking around me but no one looks back. Everyone seems normal to find the volume, no one looks up. The music is very hard but I just do not go away. I'm too stubborn to leave. I must and will see one of my favorite bands. I take myself that I remember the loudness only imagine. And if it's already so loud, it would certainly cause no permanent damage. The other bands, Floodgate and Sepultura, just play hard. If they use a song I knew after about two minutes the song was because it was so loud. If they bet a song only after about two minutes I understood what song it was, because it was so loud.Around 24 hours is the gig, we leave the room. My ears institutes as hard as never before. All of us go into his ears after a party institutes or action. But so loud, my ears never getuut. We find my father and we drive home. I'm still not worried. I have indeed seen a great band.
The next day I wake up. The ringing in my ears is less but not gone yet. I feel very bad and I decide to not go to school. I want some breakfast, my mother is already on the table clearing. Every time they sign documents or anything else touches is that a lot of pain in my ears. I do not know what to me. Now that I write this I know that this is my first real contact with hyperacusis was. My mother calls the doctor and tell him my symptoms. According to him, I had a noise trauma caused by exposure to loud noise. After a few weeks back my ears would normally be, and I would not permanently damage left over. That reassured me. I save the newspaper, and there is a report in Sepultura. "Sepultura played well, but the crowd was pretty tame. Not difficult if the music is so loud. Jumping through the sound barrier is still not evident. The music was just too loud! "Said The News on November 21, 1996.
Afternoon I decide to go to school. The squeak is all but I'm still less sensitive to noise. I come to the courtyard as comrades against it and start talking. Every time they say something or laugh it cuts me to the bone sound. It just does a lot of pain. I'm afraid and I do not know what to me. I agree that day myself, I say nothing and try to shield noise. When I get home some music overlay, my ears begin immediately institutes harder when listening to some music, so I decide not to much music. A few days later, the ringing in my ears a bit less marked and we have classes in school history. The teacher shows us a movie. But the sound of the movie is too hard for me. Luckily I had yellow oorwatten at them and I did, that was my only way to protect myself from the noise.
Gradually slowed the ringing in my ears, but I was still a light at the concert held on persistent wheeze. The doctor was so wrong: that noise trauma is actually something I had left over. I heard this squeaking only when it was very quiet, when I lay in bed in complete silence, I heard a soft beep. Day after day I feel better sensitivity and pulls away. After a good month I went back to partying, I have no problems with the noise of passing: the sensitivity was apparently pulled. A few months later, plays another favorite band of mine, Machine Head, in the AB in Brussels. This time I decided to be cautious. Earache that I really do not want to live through! I take it oorwatten standard yellow. Because I am ashamed for them to do, I put a hat over my ears. Because I am ashamed to do them in, I put a hat over my ears. If Machine Head starts to play totally different. The music is totally not that loud. After a time I do my oorwatten out to test it without going. It goes without problems. After a great gig I come out without an earache. The day does not bother me, and I find myself that I've been smart. Neenee which oorschade I would never again happen.
Six months later, I study on the secondary. I need the discipline to choose and I choose to industrial industrial engineering college GroupT Leuven. I am 17 years and put my first tentative steps toward adulthood: I go on digs at the residence Thomas Morus in Heverlee. Both digs and at school I learn quickly to know nice people. I always obediently go to class in the first semester, because I do not know what the level, and I want it badly spent money of my parents are not unnecessarily wasted. Yet I have enough time to go out with some comrades. We go to our fakbar the Wierdo's. It is a narrow and long bar with solid boxes. I had been out regularly with no problems until one night. The music is too loud for me. I ask my comrades or the music is too loud. They say they have no problem with it. Wisely, I decide to go to my room, away from the infernal noise.
Combined with the very light beep in my ears, I hear only when the mouse is quiet, I wonder if there is nothing seriously wrong with my ears. I make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat and ear specialist at Sacred Heart Hospital in Leuven. She checks my ears, which are perfectly fine according to her, I must not worry. My hearing is normal, the pressure in my ears is normal, all tests are normal to my ears. The ringing in my ears but I imagine myself in her. The name hyperacusis or tinnitus is not considered. According to her, so an imaginary ailment, but I knew better. When I went I took a precaution and that it always oorwatten I had to put in occasional loud parties. I took myself that noise trauma that would happen to me a second time.
Living in digs once during that time we had a conversation about the disease. A friend of mine told a comrade of her to a Metallica too loud action had been. He had a persistent loud ringing in his ears in any of them, and there was nothing to do. The boy went to a psychiatrist to learn to live with the ringing in his ears. I told them I had a sound in my ears, just not as hard. Then I decided for myself that I never would happen again, I was not a new sound ... traumas, I would always oorwatten bring to parties, gigs etc. ..
The following years were great. The student is amazing, I amuse myself very well in entertainment. I comrades foam parties, discos, cafes and cantussen off. I occasionally go to class regularly, and am at the end of the year more carefully. From my ears, I have little experience, very occasionally, I even put in oorwatten on too loud party. If I go I always oorwatten my pocket. In 1998, the Internet world to me, and I will start massively mp3 download. The music shifts from listening to CDs to MP3s. At that time I discover the old Metallica CD: "... And Justice For All "and" Master of Puppets ". I get high obsessed with the works of Metallica, and see them at Rock Werchter 1999. I'm pretty far th e front. Although the music is fairly loud does not hurt my ears. The oorwatten in my pocket I do not need. In retrospect I have no problems. The following year I go with no problems at Rock Werchter, an indication that my hyperacusis it had become less clear.
I remain obsessed musically. Inspired by Metallica, and convinced by a friend who also played guitar, I buy myself in December 1999 on my 20th an electric guitar. I pay them the money I had earned during my vacation. I buy myself a used Gibson The Paul II. From that moment I start playing to concentrate on music passionately. For years I had a little amateurish on my acoustic guitar playing, but from that moment I wanted a really good guitarist. I practice 2-3 hours a day and make rapid progress.
A few months later, already quite succeed, I amuse myself in bad guitar playing (with singing). I finally found my life's passion. I decide I would just like to try a band wants to play. I place an advertisement in a music shop in London: "Guitarist (singer) looking for a band. Hardrock-metal genre, somewhere between Nirvana and Metallica. "Not a week later someone will contact me. It appears guitarist for the band to Astronomy from Herent, they retreading Metallica and they are looking for a singer / guitarist. The band consisted of Tom (16 years, guitar), Steve (16 years, drums) and Yann (19 years, bass). We arrange for an audition. At the audition shows that the three great musicians are technically very good. I think I'm on a level below, but they are super my audition. They have finally found someone who can sing reasonably well as guitar. I've found my voice never great, but I know I can keep a little note. I was employed as a singer / guitarist. In the coming months we rehearse regularly. I amuse myself together hand in the music playing. We do not play quietly, but my ears never squeal after a rehearsal, and I never had an earache afterwards and the day after. Playing guitar and singing to yourself is fun. But if you can do with other musicians, and you hear that it sounds good, that's still a higher dimension. In August following the climax: we play on August 13, 2000 at Marktrock in Leuven. It's just a small stage, we play for a few hundred men, but that can not harm us. We play some covers of Moby, Pennywise, Metallica and Radiohead. I hear the sounds and the audience responds enthusiastically. This is really nothing else around. I've always "musical orgasm" mentioned. We just play well and get nice comments from the public. I had already happened before, but this was still a higher dimension. That moment was a highlight, but unfortunately also a turning point. Due to time problems we could not rehearse regularly. Steve and Tom were still in fact secondary, and could only rehearse on weekends. I was only a week in Leuven and at the weekend in Essen, so we did early 2001 no common free time. I thought it was sad at that moment but not a disaster, I had little time, and I thought I had found love. With An, my best childhood friend, because I recently started a relationship. At times a man foolish enough to "love" to give up everything without problems.
September 24, 2001
In June 2001 I study off as an industrial engineer, and, because I'm a little too easy for me, I decide to go for Civil Engineering in two years. In order to be admitted before you had time to pass a ingansexamen. You got a stack of four courses 3rd year courses from the civil engineer sent, you had to study and take exams.
I had changed from the old digs because I was quite tired after having 4 years. It had been great, but I think it could only be worse. I was ready for a new challenge. But the new digs, I seemed to sit next to a noise maker. He wanted his music quietly while I continue studying. So I was forced to study with oorwatten. Sometimes he made so much noise that oorwatten not enough. Oorwatten I did in my ears and ear flaps around. Only then it was quiet enough. I blocked one month before my exams, put them on and succeeded for one week. During those days the attacks happened on the Twin Towers on 9 / 11, but I was so busy with the exams that I knew nothing. My towers were still collapse. My towers still had to collapse. An did not sit it between us. That was a big blow for me, because I was still in love with her. When I collapsed emotionally together. I had some coming, but hoped that it would not happen, or I was too blind to see it would happen. The sour soon afterwards was that we took a trip with two planned. I was not looking forward to with two to go, but because I felt that after a long study trip deserved, so I decided to just two to travel.
Thursday was thus made, and we left Monday on a trip to Italy. We flew on Monday, September 17 from Charleroi to Pisa. There we went to the area Cinqueterre, a beautiful coastal area. We did it trips, hiking, kayaking, cycling and even more vanalles. The trip itself was quite nice for the circumstances, but I felt emotionally devastated. For months I had been looking forward to a great trip, but the circumstances were of course less than hoped for so long. I wish I had never done that trip. Not the journey itself, but by something at September 24 happened on the way back. On the way home I got some on An argument with only a bagatelle, but the atmosphere was ruined anyway. I felt really bad, was really quite emotional in a knot. "No problem", I thought, "once the plane lands in Charleroi, and we each have our own way." When the plane fell from the sky to Charleroi, but it dropped rapidly. I had terrible pains in my ears. I looked around me on the plane, many on the plane and took to their ears. Almost everyone seemed to have hurt his ears. I asked it to An, and she appeared in pain. Once the aircraft is on the ground was the pain disappeared, and so I thought that the misery was over.
The day after classes began in civil engineering. But I felt mentally and physically ill. Mentally because I did not have nowhere near An was around, I felt physical pain in my ears. The professors in class seemed too loud to talk, it sounded so dull in my ears. My ears felt as if I had picked up again a noise trauma. I started to get scared, I did not know where the pain came from. Then I started to think about. I was not too loud at a party before? I had my ears always protected? I figured that it could come once the flight: "Too much noise can cause noise trauma. Sound is actually pressure pulses, an airplane that drops also causes pressure in the ears ... "Then the connection was quickly made: I had a noise trauma by the way! I totally did not know that was possible, and I totally did not know why I was now behind: namely, the year I had flown before without problems (including travel to China). I asked myself many questions. Why did it happen to me that noise trauma? Was it because I already had a little bit damaged ears that I rose again? Was it because the plane sank too fast? Was it because I was emotionally tied in knots that physically came out? Was it because I oorwatten weeks with earplugs in and about that I had studied more, by high taxes on my ears could? I did not know the questions gnawed at me. I suspect the answer is a combination of the different possibilities. I felt very bad and I had the previous year as hard as I tried to sound any further trauma to rise, and now this happened ... I was so scared that I decided never to fly that would not happen to me.
Slowly I recovered from the noise trauma: a few weeks after all the sounds were not hurt my ears, but I found myself again had suffered permanent damage. Fortunately there were the great Kots Tones, which I'm very hard on amused. So I could displace my sorrow for An. I had repeatedly discos and pubs putin my oorwatten, much more than before. In November 2001 was the exhibition match between Clijsters and Henin emerging tennis talent. I followed the game at home in Essen for the TV. Outside the racket during tennis strokes, the game silent. But I noticed that in my ears was very quiet ... there was a beep in my ears, louder than the sound that I had since 1996. And months after that fateful flight to my ears! I once had apparently suffered permanent damage to my ears! I got scared and took me again that I would do everything to prevent further oorschade in my life to avoid. I would always take oorwatten, always too loud, I'd put in them!
2002 was a super fun year. I amused myself rotting in the last year of my college days. I spent all my time going out, playing guitar, singing, sports and social hang out. These were my passions. Occasionally a little bit of studying if need be. I had quite some experience in field study, knew exactly what I could afford, many lessons I had to not follow through to get there. After months of partying and I turned just before the exams the button from a party animal I became a monk. Blanco courses were started, livelong day at a time, almost no outside. So I could without too much trouble getting through it.
The year 2003 would definitely change my life. For the first day I was tormented by tinnitus and hyperacusis, and I trudged into a depression. Sporadically I had some contacts with drummer Steve. In February 2003 he asked me to return with them to play. Because he and Tom are no longer in secondary sat, it was no longer a problem for a week to rehearse. I did an audition for another few hours, and again it was perfectly fine. We hit it off well again, and our musical ensemble sounded good again. I was again singer / guitarist of a band. But my ears were clear case since the aircraft has become more sensitive. Every rehearsal I played all the time with my yellow earplugs. For months we rehearsed one evening every week 4 hours at a stretch. Because I'm not a student could afford cars, bassist Benno me always in my room at Heverlee out for rehearsal 10 km further Herent.
On a Wednesday in April 2003 I noticed, however, after we had arrived in Herent that I had forgotten my yellow oorwatten rapped in order to quickly start rehearsing. "No problem", I thought, "rehearsals without a oorwatten would be fine." "rehearse once without oorwatten would succeed." Every day since that day I curse myself that I'm not required to first go get my oorwatten. We played loud that day. Tom continued his loud guitar amp and my guitar playing I had to hear my amp even louder turn. After a time, the mother of Steve say that we surely were playing very loud. I did not kick, showing weakness is not an option in the metal world. I also took Benno not bother to specifically back and forth for me to ride to Leuven. I was stupid! When we return to it after the rehearsal Leuven reason and they buzzed my ears rang loud.
The next day I woke up and I heard only one thing: piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip ... So loud was my tinnitus has never been. I reassured me with the thought that it would pass, but after a few days, the beep is still there, just as hard. Many noises hurt my ears. Even flushed toilets, running water, a squeaky door, smiling people, teaching professors, all of the cut to the bone. I started to google for "earache" and "tinnitus". For the first time I discovered the term "tinnitus", "hyperacusis" and especially "incurable". I did not believe it, and went through several Hearing experts. After the third ear specialist I had to be believed: irreversible oorschade incurable. What I found was the terrible lack of human dimension to the various Hearing experts. In one breath they told "incurable, blah, that's as much €". Horrible inhumane. No way: "Go over there to counsel," or "maybe you can try." No problem, I went my plan minds. I read a lot about tinnitus and hyperacusis on the internet and was frightened by. But I was realistic enough. I immediately decided to quit the band and my guitar amp for sale. That was a pity, because in a band and appearance was the sweetest thing I did. But I wanted my health is not at risk. I would not continue to damage my ears! I could not have the heart to my electric guitar to get rid of. I play on my computer since then more boxes, which can not be too loud, but decent enough.
The months after I was first confronted with the high sensitivity of my ears, and the slow recovery of the ears in terms of sensitivity to noise. The first time in my life I had to cancel appointments with comrades because it was too painful for the ears. Not just going out or cafe was painful, but even just make something to eat or workout. My ears had to rest. Luckily I had a thesis to finish, which at that time was disastrous for. Before that I had planned to do nothing more for school than there just to get by. For the thesis that I was planning. But since my ear was suddenly quiet social life, and I searched the thesis one way to my frustration in a positive way to respond. That way, the thesis is still a good end, and I had my frustration vented in a healthy way. I also went along to the hearing center in Leuven Laperre. I made an appointment with the hearing care over there. He was the first who told me that I really had to look for my ears. I had to keep out noise, and when I went there, I had to wear oorwatten. The classic yellow oorwatten were good enough to hold against the most noise, so you're safe. He meette the strength of my tinnitus, and my pain threshold. If I'm not mistaken at that time were respectively 50 and 90 dB.
My ears recovered well the months. I had suffered permanent damage, but the sensitivity and pain level went to an acceptable level. By a very short week to sleep to the thesis to get back, I got a different impact. I was sick for one week. Since all my classes were still blank, it was impossible for me to pass all exams. I took this decision to the rational two exams to sit out the second set, and the other five blocks so hard that I was in the clear. I have refrained in this examination period. It was also during this time that Metallica - still by far my favorite band - released a new CD, St. Anger. I bought the CD but I was immediately disappointed. The power and aggression were back, but melodic, sounding of the past did not hear you on the CD. Meanwhile, Metallica began to tour. Between picked by studying I took it on the Internet. I looked at the set lists that Metallica played. It was incredible. They played almost all their good old songs of yesteryear. They met early in July at Rock Werchter, but I had no tickets. I surfed a look at ebay. There were tickets on sale for Saturday, the day that Metallica came. I was just wondering if I should do, or would that not too loud for my ears. "No," I thought to myself, "That guy from the auditory center said that my yellow oorwatten am well protected." And I had a couple of times with no problems at Rock Werchter been, even without oorwatten. I finally buy tickets through ebay and pay too much for: € 113, while an original ticket cost € 50. But I did not care, I could look at my heroes, all my favorite songs played live.
Then there was the day I finally went to see Metallica is reborn. This after I had earned my deep examination series I found. I went to the meadow of Werchter, assured me and my yellow oorwatten it in my pocket. Because I did not want to experience again the same as a few months before. On the prairie I met with Steve and Benno, ex-bandmates. We kept the whole day somewhat apart from the performances, and only started to look even Queens of the Stone Age performed. Then it was the turn of Arno. We wanted to put us well, we wanted our heroes up close. We were not quite in front, not closer than I without problems a few years before had stood. I'd clean my little yellow oorwatten in, as deep in my oorschacht, like the man of the auditory cortex had advised me. I was safe. I thought. The occurrence of Metallica was one big orgasm. They played their best songs, such as 10-15 years before again overruled, and the action was done in no time. By oorwatten I understand that the numbers are not so good. Yellow oorwatten distortion is the sound. Usually I pass by one minute after the song they were playing. But the crowds having fun, I amused me greatly. My heroes were back! And I had seen them live! I took the bus home, along with Steve and Benno. I heard no more ringing in my ears. I thought it was good.
I am waking up the day at no extra noise in my ears. All right, do you. In the evening we have a family party and accidentally put my uncle Metallica quietly. The morning I wake up there. My room is very quiet but my ears. I listen to the beeps in my ears, who for months has strongly houses. These are still the same. Not soft, but not louder. New however is that I have a hum to. That was not there before! I come down and see my dad, mom, brother and sister. Every word they say is an incredible amount of pain, every sound cuts through the bone. A new sound trauma is my part, though my ears had protected with yellow oorwatten! In retrospect, the extra buzz easily explained: the yellow oorwatten protected my ears from the high frequencies. But the bass shook the floor just along from my body to my ears, and brought harm to the bass. I recovered very slowly and painfully of this sound trauma. My ears and my life would never be the same. It was not that annoying hum se, but rather the fact that its frequency in the human speech zone. Since then I am sensitive to voices. Especially my own. For everything falls mute with oorwatten except their own voice.
All sound began to hurt my ears. Everywhere I went was sound hurt. My friends did not understand me because I look nothing to see. Throughout my life I was usually cheerful, happy and energetic. Almost always positive and optimistic. I almost never bored, I could always only deal. From this moment would change. By tinnitus and hyperacusis, I was a mortal passion, listless and negative. I did not always have the energy to recharge myself. This way I sank into a depression even I knew at that moment. I graduated in the summer as a civil engineer, to a lesser economic times. It was not so easy to find work. The few places that I could do was start working in production, you can not do for my ears. I started to get more and more afraid to do things. Almost everything my ears hurt. For months I was listless at home, I dared not leave. Comrades, I heard less and less. The feeling that people slip away from you is terrible. I understand them or that they did not understand, because there was nothing to look to see me. With the continued support of my parents but I kept full. I must really, really thank them for this.
I wondered why this had to happen to me? I had twice in my life without hearing protection in noise stood TWICE! There are many people who come more frequently in noise, and nothing up. Of those two times I had as much lasting damage. In 2003 I heard that there are people in my family who have a similar ailment, though far less pronounced. My grandfather, a cousin and an aunt have a mild form of hyperacusis. Apparently the sensitivity is hereditary, and I just bad luck. This combined with my adoration of metal, and my stupidity at that time not to leave two to loud noises, have brought me to where I stood in 2003: in a deep depression.
Re Standing - 2004 resurrection
Thanks to Dr. De Ridder of the UZA doctor gave me a resurrection. He was the first doctor who understood me, and I felt for the first time a doctor at ease with my ear ache. He said I was the first tinnitus and hyperacusis. Back in your ear a lot cilia. This put the pressure pulse (what sound) into an electrical signal through the nerves to your brains. If a certain sound at a certain frequency, it vibrates the vibrating hair that belongs at that frequency. This is passed to your brains. So we hear. These cilia may be marred vibrate when the sound is too loud. Then they break down, and it seems as if your brains for vibrating hair that is constantly vibrating. You'll hear a constant noise that really is not. This is tinnitus. Everyone does it ever use, if at a party too loud / too loud action was. Then you come out at night, and you have squeaky ears. The next morning, however, they usually recovered. But if the sound was too loud, then restore them no more. Are you for the rest of your life with this lasting beep. The sensitivity to noise can be explained by your brains that something is wrong: they hear a constant sound of the vibrating hair that is broken. Your brains instinctively think "there is something wrong." Then they go harder listening to that frequency, and all sound is amplified in your brains. A sort of hyperactivity of your auditory cortex. Tinnitus / hyperacusis is in fact a miscommunication between your ears and your brains.
Finally I got an acceptable explanation for my ailment, while far too late. He was the first doctor I categorically warned to keep out noise. But the damage had been done. He wrote me the medication for deanxit and Rivotril. It is respectively an antidepressant and an anticonvulsant. But the cocktail works well with tinnitus and hyperacusis: it suppresses the activation of the brains. You are your tone and not lose your sensitivity to noise, but it takes away the sharp edges on it. I took the medication, and my life became a little more bearable. Gradually, I dared come out again and do things.
When I left auditory cortex Laperre oorwatten customization. They sprayed a liquid into my ears, and solidified so that the shape of my oorschacht had. In retrospect this was a hole made in it and put a filter of 30 dB. I had earplugs so that the ambient noise made quieter, without distortion. These earplugs I really had them.
A few months later I closed the rotjaar "depressed home" to start off by a PhD in ELECTA, at the KULeuven. I never necessarily want a PhD, but circumstances is it run. I was extremely scared to go to work, for fear of noise. But I had to try something. I rented me a quiet studio and I started working ELECTA. The noise level was quite turn out okay. I sat on a desk with two quiet people. Gradually my fear of sounds to take the stress in my head to slow down, and my sensitivity to noise was less. I met great people to know Electa and they asked me in the pub. I had fear, but still wanted to try. For the first time in eighteen years, I went again at a quiet cafe with a few comrades. That worked, but with oorwatten of course. Cinema year I had not tried for fear. With oorwatten succeeded. Gradually, I dared my self confidence and more things without problems. Even managed to fly amended special oorwatten. I could even go back to bars with loud music going. Even though I had oorwatten in, I felt it the day there. But only one day is not so bad earache. Thanks Rivotril deanxit and my life became bearable again. I could bring back a little bit socially, talk did not hurt anymore, and I had fun back in life. I could own at weddings on the dance remain in oorwatten. I could be back together after a few songs to sing without an earache. I felt better. This was really a revival for me. Appearances, however, I was avoided like the plague. From late 2004 to 2006, I had relatively few problems with the ears, at least a lot less than in 2003. Occasionally I got a downturn for a little too loud activity, but the rest of the community where I lived in Heverlee and peace at work was no problem to them slowly to recover.
In March 2006 I learned the love of my life to know. Quite by chance I met Sharon at a forum on the Internet. We got to chat via IM, and it clicked immediately. A few days after we got to know each other so we agreed to see whether it really clicked so well. And from the first moment we saw each other was it good. I was instantly in love with her. She was so cool, so sweet, so handsome, so sympathetic, and got along great. We were almost immediately a couple. I told her about my ears, but not as dramatically as before, for it was indeed a lot better with me.
Relapse - July 2006
In the summer of 2006, after a few months relationship, Sharon asked if I wanted to know her friends. We would go to the Tieltse Festivals. I imagined no questions because I was curious to know her friends and I went along. However, there appeared to be performing. No problem I thought, I love myself very far from the performances, and try my hardest in oorwatten. We had a nice evening, I watched it well for a lot of noise to stay away. We were preparing to go home, and far from the music I did my oorwatten out. Then suddenly it happened. Near where we stood off fireworks began stabbing. By the time I had in my oorwatten we were popping a few more.
The morning I woke up there was no earache. I thought nothing was wrong. Gradually throughout the day but my ears were getting more and more pain. The days there felt terribly painful to them, all sound hurt. I was angry with Sharon that she had brought me to the Tieltse parties, but of course it was my fault to occur again at one go. Now I still think that the damage sustained by the fireworks came, and not the performances. After months of earache, the ear gradually improved. I have to keep very quiet. Have long silence because the voice was very on the ears, at work antisocial do not agree outside of work. My salvation was the Internet. Through forums and chat in a quiet way I could still do socially. A few months after Tielt showed that I had suffered permanent oorschade. My ear pain was back on the level of the past. The pain and the beep that you three months after a loud activity is to be aware, is permanent.
Again my life was limited. Many things turned too loud again. And when I did something social and fun to do, I usually had to pay for long months with earaches. Rehabilitation, these were still heavier. You repeatedly for months in silence shroud eats at you, especially if you are socially constructed. For the umpteenth time comrades tell you can not come because you oorlast have ... for the umpteenth time for months on your room locked and all social proposals ignore ... So did my day out in periods recovering from a noise trauma: getting up, going to work go see people at work, nod hello because talk was hurt the whole morning working in silence, at noon only to eat, all the conversations turn to questions, working, some internet, alone at night to eat, and go back to work a room at night.
I struggled with myself to relax. My main hobbies I could not perform. Guitar and / or singing was not done. Listening to music could not. At the cafe or going to a party without it. Talking to people was not an option. Another passion of mine was sport. But I trudged with a weird pain in my shins, but I do not hit off. I've tried everything: rest, physiotherapy, exercises, gait analysis, bone scan, ultrasound, insoles in a static manner and made insoles in a dynamic way, osteopathy, adjusting the diet, nothing helped! For years I tried but I could not exercise. Sports continued to hurt. So I could not even carry my hobbies. I tried other ways to relax: reading and web, but I felt constantly frustrated.
Three cases have dragged me this. There was the incredible support of my parents. Relentless, they always supported me, thank you very much for this! Secondly, there was Sharon, who was very understanding. She studied in Ghent, while I was working in Leuven. Very often they chatted with me, they exhorted me to rest on, and made me feel not alone. Thanks for everything Sharon! I think they often feel powerless, but she really pulled through this period. Thirdly, there was my PhD. I was incredibly frustrated by the ears, and put this negative energy into positive energy by livelong day working on my PhD. The research work was quiet, so no problem for my ears. On ELECTA there were not many meetings, so I had my ears and could not talk to rest. The result of my hard work could be seen. The people at the company I performed my doctoral work, were extremely pleased, even impressed. Something so positive to the ears.
Half 2008 I began to look for work after my PhD. I finally found work at OCAS in Zelzate, a renowned research center of ArcelorMittal and the Flemish government. Here I could start working in February 2009. I felt safe to sit in research. This is that my ears could handle. For this I needed to move to Ghent. But no worries, my girlfriend was in Ghent, and a social person like me would quickly make comrades. Together with Sharon was not an option because they still had a room until the summer. From a social and financial aspects, and because I had good experiences in Leuven, I searched myself for a community half years. The fear that I would find anything decent but I chose to fast for a given community. I was initially impressed by the garden, but did not see how bad and dirty the house was there.
The transition to Ghent was initially difficult for me. I came into a company with lots of unknown people died in a city I did not know, and a house where I've never really felt at ease. I also felt immediately that the workload in such a company a lot higher than at the university. But no complaining about this, because here I was looking for. Before I went to Ghent, I had my reservations about the move. I would be able to thrive in Ghent? Would people have come to visit me? Several comrades reassured me, Ghent was not that far and they would all come to visit. I've never seen anyone by circumstances. I felt abandoned.
Death Cross - March 2009 Kiss of Death
Then there was the stag of a comrade. At first I had no desire to go, but Sharon urged me to go because I'm not so good in my skin felt, what was true. (What I mean nothing bad to say about Sharon.) I went to it and it was a great day. Lots of laughter and entertainment. As time passed however, I feel my ears. I could not resist at that time: "I will not leave here, I want to keep having fun!" I have stayed at dinner, which I had in my oorwatten, and very briefly in a karaoke bar. Since I noticed that the music was too loud and I wisely decided to go home. I was left too late. Again I had permanent damage. This was first evident two months later, when Sharon and I had invited a friend of hers in the community in Wondelgem. Just a quiet evening chatting with friends was much pain in my ears. All sound was again hurt my ears. I started to lose faith in life, and I told Sharon that things looked bleak as it would remain. Of course she burst into tears, I did not offend her, but my life is really not much earache. The situation was not the same as before. In Ghent I was not in such a peaceful community, and also the work was noisier. I went to the doctor who wrote me one week illness. After that it works quite well again and I feel antisocial. People ignore all, do anti-social, just eating, working, as the Internet. I was immensely frustrated. I rested one month and we invited a good friend from another, the same: earache. But a half months later I had my preliminary thesis defense, the jury and I alone. I have to defend my work hours, then looked cool my former colleagues back again, and I wanted to chat with everyone. Is not that logical? Of course, but not with sensitive ears. This is my own great fault. Thus the only drag earache.
Trust me, I know my ears to feel. The ears are permanently snow white again worsened. The beep sound in my ears was the first really no longer bearable. He comes over everything. I would still could live with, but the sensitivity to noise has become so bad! Despite heavier medication is very EVERYTHING to my ears, especially my own voice. I can not communicate, just a minute I have much need to talk to people. I'm really very nice fellow, but I am not able to speak with them! I do my job at OCAS like death, and I Intrinsically certainly capable of that job to perform very well. But I feel that I have this job not my ears go on to perform. They restore no longer an acceptable level. My life quality is still too low to be able to live with this. Hundreds of times I fought back after noise trauma, silence enveloped me, my anti-social behavior, all proposals for social activities declined, and I locked up until there was improvement. But there is a limit somewhere. The limit is reached. Please respect my choice, my life has become a hell.
FAREWELL LETTER
I'm on. I have now since my 16th hundred times fought to come back after noise trauma, I still antisocial shrouded in silence and waited for improvement. I always fought back until I was better. Hundreds of times. But somewhere it stops. I have not the strength to fight against it. I do not want to live like a plant with such severe disability. I want to do socially, I want my work normally can perform two essential things for me. That can not be.
Dear parents, Hannelore and Bernd, you deserve absolutely not. I have always greatly enjoyed your love, good education and the heat at home. You have given me great support, there is nothing to reproach you. I'm so terribly that I'm so selfish. I feel very guilty. But I am really. I can not fight it. With the current situation of the ears I really can not live.
Dear Sharon, it really has nothing to do with you. Months ago I sat here all along in my head, I told you. You're the last years of my life colored. With your beautiful appearance and great personality was a breath of fresh air in recent years. You dragged me always and always gave me great support. But I have a limit.
I want to emphasize that this is entirely my own fault! I myself, and I ONLY have my ears blown, time after time, I've never been aware of the dangers. This does not happen on a whim. I've always thought the last few years - if the ears were anoying - I at that time just could live with it, but it's not a step could be worse. Well, that step is now happened anyway. And there's really no improvement. The medications that I currently take is up to, other treatments do not exist. There is no cure. Here it stops for me.
I have throughout my life twice my ears are not protected in noise (Sepultura 1996 rehearsal 2003). TWICE! I also have my ears ALWAYS protected! Yet I have immense oorschade incurred. Where is the justice? What have I done to deserve this? Why should the music everywhere so loudly? Why is there so much noise in this world? Why is loud equals good?
To everyone: I have you all liked, and always like to have lived. But with this ailment is not my life more enjoyable. I can not communicate normally, I can not work normally, my life has become a hell. Accept if you please that I've reached my limit. Every day is a nightmare for me.
They say that every suicide is a cry for attention. Well, this is also a cry for attention. I do not want anyone else comes across the same as me. Ensure all good for your ears! Protect them! Or stay away from too much noise! I can not emphasize this enough.
Peace, love, empathy,
Dietrich - I see you all very much
PS: I have one last wish: to play the full version of One by Metallica in my funeral, my favorite song.
EXPLANATION
Fifteen June 2009
I feel incredibly bad ...
I can hardly describe what I feel difficult in the sense of hard to understand. But I am still trying to explain.
I can describe what I feel difficult, difficult in the sense of difficult understandable. But I'm going to try to explain it anyway.
I currently really no point in life. I am 29 years and I was in the prime of my life to sit. But I have an incurable disease, called tinnitus and hyperacusis, which dominated/governed my whole life. Tinnitus does not hear that sound, Tinnitus means sound hear that is not there; hyperacusis means sensitivity to noise. But the disease includes other things than these two. The medical aspect is discussed later, I am currently limited to a description of symptoms.
I can not talk right now because it hurts my ears. The tapping on the keyboard is even a little pain in my ears. The hum of the PC, I can barely tolerate. It is clear that hyperacusis an agony for your life. Talking is difficult, social contact is kept to a minimum. For a 29-year-old is very painful. All "fun" (= social) things I do I pay for post with additional pain or a persistent worsening of the disease. That is very stressful, it's not only physical pain but it is especially heavy on mentally. The physical pain of the ears is not comparable to other pains. Normally you can take a pill against it, but it does not help against this pain. You can just let time pass and wait for weeks to rest a little better. The mental plane is even harder: it makes you despondent and you get scared for sophisticated rings.
Pain is not the only, I am charged with a constant hum and beep tone that haunts me everywhere. Everyone has it happened that one out to a loud party / disco comes, and the ears institutes / squeak. It's terrible. I have changed my life it: next to my bed is a PC, through whose buzz I hardly hear my tinnitus. So I can still happily asleep. So I can fortunately still sleep well. As I have said often enough background not to realize it's there. But the problem is that this background not to be loud, otherwise I will be getting more pain in my ears. So I have a certain sound in-band, between two specific levels. It is devastating that these levels are closer to each other, but more about that later.
Thirdly, there is a constant feeling of pressure in my ears. About the feeling when you ride uphill-downhill with the car. You get a kind of pressure on your ears, you swallow once and it's gone. But I can swallow one million times, those pesky press does not go away. Another way to describe it is like water in your ears that constantly press your eardrum. How it felt. So it feels. It's tiring to you about the pressure to rush, so I do not think too much and it is not unduly burdensome. When I work out the pressure is much worse. I wish you a picture of how my disease I've suffered through the years and how I gradually came to know everything. I want to give you an example how I have suffered through the years my disease and how I slowly came to know everything.
The hyperacusis is terrible, terrible disease consumes much energy. Imagine once again that every word you say hurts, and that with a constant steam whistling in your ears. I have my life changed drastically sinc
e I last did this ailment. I used a hyper-social person, I wanted constant contact with people every night in the pub or enjoy each others company with people. Now I'm constantly at home, alone in the silence. I would love to have children in my life, but I would never cope because of their noise. This frustrates me immensely. . This frustrates me to no end.
How did I come to this condition? Well, it's not suddenly happened: from nothing to the level I have now. It is done in steps, getting worse and worse. To properly explain we have a big 15 years back in time to ....
1993
I'm 14 and I do not keep to myself during puberty. I had never really listened much to music, until I and Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit discovered. There I found what I was looking back. There was a whole new world for me. I find radio station Studio Brussels and there along many other hard rock bands: Smashing Pumpkins, Therapy?, Metallica, Helmet, Soundgarden, dEUS, Clawfinger, Silverchair, Green Day, Offspring ... but Nirvana still in the lead. I love my discovery of the hard rock genre. The death of Kurt Cobain grabs me and motivates me just harder to listen to the genre. I get passionate about music. It is my hobby, my money goes towards it.
1995
Making music, I had never thought, until a comrade suddenly came down with the idea together a band. I hesitated at first, but I was jealous of him when I saw him working on his brand new electric guitar. Because I did not have enough pennies for an electric guitar, I bought myself a folk guitar at the end of August 1995 thick 3000 francs. The thing will probably not good chuckle, but when I started playing there I thought it was great. I learned through some simple books seized, and further myself playing some songs from Nirvana. The guitar has been very amateurish, I like a few notes after each other well from playing, I was already satisfied. Gradually managed to play a little better but I'm not put too high standards.
Firm adolescent meantime, I started with comrades and friends of the parties and the bars close to scour. I loved to bang your head on solid rock, with my T-shirt Nirvana or Therapy?. Will probably have looked ridiculous, but so what, I felt cool anyway. It was then that I first had contact with T (T for tinnitus and hyperacusis H). I found somewhere on a Saturday-Sunday night in April 1996 with my friend Geoffrey outdoors at a party at the Rex. This is a party venue pretty close to home. We walk home. He says to me: "Amai my ears institutes". I must also admit, my ears whistle wonderful hard. The party had been just too loud. But it was the morning I wake up without whistling ears. Geoffrey and I went in those days almost always out together, usually without wheezing due ears. But it happened now and then sometimes after a party that both our ears tuutten. In the morning we never had more trouble, so who cares. It would be small beer to me a few months later what to expect ...
Gradually shifted my music genre. Nirvana I had a little too much rotation and the other hard rock bands I could not as satisfactory as Kurt Cobain's work did. I started listening to heavier music to pay to get my music, metal, my new favorite genre. I started listening to bands like Biohazard, Pantera, Metallica, Sepultura, Machine Head, Fear Factory, ... The day I type this (June 15, 2009) I still lament this move, why will become clear immediately.
Twenty November 1996
Concert of Sepultura in Brabanthal in Leuven, Floodgate and Strife in the schedule. Since one of my metal listening biggest hobbies came, I eagerly looked forward to this performance by one of my favorite bands. I went to it with fellow metal fans: a companion and two friends. The problem was that it was a Wednesday, "so the next day back to school. My father was so kind to us to bring something to drink now in Leuven, and later to pick us.
Before the start of the gigs I walk around the room. I see people everywhere with t-shirts which are bands that I like. I feel at home. I see people laughing and oorwatten them inside out. I see people with oorwatten in and laugh them internally. "Yet no oorwatten putin for a concert," I think to myself, and I find myself so very tough. "However no oorwatten enter for a concert", I think to myself and I find me o so tough.
It is 20 hrs, Strife begins to play. From the first note I hear that something is not good. The music is just too loud, I feel the guitars and drums thundering in my ears. Something so loud I have never experienced. I keep looking around me but no one looks back. Everyone seems normal to find the volume, no one looks up. The music is very hard but I just do not go away. I'm too stubborn to leave. I must and will see one of my favorite bands. I take myself that I remember the loudness only imagine. And if it's already so loud, it would certainly cause no permanent damage. The other bands, Floodgate and Sepultura, just play hard. If they use a song I knew after about two minutes the song was because it was so loud. If they bet a song only after about two minutes I understood what song it was, because it was so loud.Around 24 hours is the gig, we leave the room. My ears institutes as hard as never before. All of us go into his ears after a party institutes or action. But so loud, my ears never getuut. We find my father and we drive home. I'm still not worried. I have indeed seen a great band.
The next day I wake up. The ringing in my ears is less but not gone yet. I feel very bad and I decide to not go to school. I want some breakfast, my mother is already on the table clearing. Every time they sign documents or anything else touches is that a lot of pain in my ears. I do not know what to me. Now that I write this I know that this is my first real contact with hyperacusis was. My mother calls the doctor and tell him my symptoms. According to him, I had a noise trauma caused by exposure to loud noise. After a few weeks back my ears would normally be, and I would not permanently damage left over. That reassured me. I save the newspaper, and there is a report in Sepultura. "Sepultura played well, but the crowd was pretty tame. Not difficult if the music is so loud. Jumping through the sound barrier is still not evident. The music was just too loud! "Said The News on November 21, 1996.
Afternoon I decide to go to school. The squeak is all but I'm still less sensitive to noise. I come to the courtyard as comrades against it and start talking. Every time they say something or laugh it cuts me to the bone sound. It just does a lot of pain. I'm afraid and I do not know what to me. I agree that day myself, I say nothing and try to shield noise. When I get home some music overlay, my ears begin immediately institutes harder when listening to some music, so I decide not to much music. A few days later, the ringing in my ears a bit less marked and we have classes in school history. The teacher shows us a movie. But the sound of the movie is too hard for me. Luckily I had yellow oorwatten at them and I did, that was my only way to protect myself from the noise.
Gradually slowed the ringing in my ears, but I was still a light at the concert held on persistent wheeze. The doctor was so wrong: that noise trauma is actually something I had left over. I heard this squeaking only when it was very quiet, when I lay in bed in complete silence, I heard a soft beep. Day after day I feel better sensitivity and pulls away. After a good month I went back to partying, I have no problems with the noise of passing: the sensitivity was apparently pulled. A few months later, plays another favorite band of mine, Machine Head, in the AB in Brussels. This time I decided to be cautious. Earache that I really do not want to live through! I take it oorwatten standard yellow. Because I am ashamed for them to do, I put a hat over my ears. Because I am ashamed to do them in, I put a hat over my ears. If Machine Head starts to play totally different. The music is totally not that loud. After a time I do my oorwatten out to test it without going. It goes without problems. After a great gig I come out without an earache. The day does not bother me, and I find myself that I've been smart. Neenee which oorschade I would never again happen.
Six months later, I study on the secondary. I need the discipline to choose and I choose to industrial industrial engineering college GroupT Leuven. I am 17 years and put my first tentative steps toward adulthood: I go on digs at the residence Thomas Morus in Heverlee. Both digs and at school I learn quickly to know nice people. I always obediently go to class in the first semester, because I do not know what the level, and I want it badly spent money of my parents are not unnecessarily wasted. Yet I have enough time to go out with some comrades. We go to our fakbar the Wierdo's. It is a narrow and long bar with solid boxes. I had been out regularly with no problems until one night. The music is too loud for me. I ask my comrades or the music is too loud. They say they have no problem with it. Wisely, I decide to go to my room, away from the infernal noise.
Combined with the very light beep in my ears, I hear only when the mouse is quiet, I wonder if there is nothing seriously wrong with my ears. I make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat and ear specialist at Sacred Heart Hospital in Leuven. She checks my ears, which are perfectly fine according to her, I must not worry. My hearing is normal, the pressure in my ears is normal, all tests are normal to my ears. The ringing in my ears but I imagine myself in her. The name hyperacusis or tinnitus is not considered. According to her, so an imaginary ailment, but I knew better. When I went I took a precaution and that it always oorwatten I had to put in occasional loud parties. I took myself that noise trauma that would happen to me a second time.
Living in digs once during that time we had a conversation about the disease. A friend of mine told a comrade of her to a Metallica too loud action had been. He had a persistent loud ringing in his ears in any of them, and there was nothing to do. The boy went to a psychiatrist to learn to live with the ringing in his ears. I told them I had a sound in my ears, just not as hard. Then I decided for myself that I never would happen again, I was not a new sound ... traumas, I would always oorwatten bring to parties, gigs etc. ..
The following years were great. The student is amazing, I amuse myself very well in entertainment. I comrades foam parties, discos, cafes and cantussen off. I occasionally go to class regularly, and am at the end of the year more carefully. From my ears, I have little experience, very occasionally, I even put in oorwatten on too loud party. If I go I always oorwatten my pocket. In 1998, the Internet world to me, and I will start massively mp3 download. The music shifts from listening to CDs to MP3s. At that time I discover the old Metallica CD: "... And Justice For All "and" Master of Puppets ". I get high obsessed with the works of Metallica, and see them at Rock Werchter 1999. I'm pretty far th e front. Although the music is fairly loud does not hurt my ears. The oorwatten in my pocket I do not need. In retrospect I have no problems. The following year I go with no problems at Rock Werchter, an indication that my hyperacusis it had become less clear.
I remain obsessed musically. Inspired by Metallica, and convinced by a friend who also played guitar, I buy myself in December 1999 on my 20th an electric guitar. I pay them the money I had earned during my vacation. I buy myself a used Gibson The Paul II. From that moment I start playing to concentrate on music passionately. For years I had a little amateurish on my acoustic guitar playing, but from that moment I wanted a really good guitarist. I practice 2-3 hours a day and make rapid progress.
A few months later, already quite succeed, I amuse myself in bad guitar playing (with singing). I finally found my life's passion. I decide I would just like to try a band wants to play. I place an advertisement in a music shop in London: "Guitarist (singer) looking for a band. Hardrock-metal genre, somewhere between Nirvana and Metallica. "Not a week later someone will contact me. It appears guitarist for the band to Astronomy from Herent, they retreading Metallica and they are looking for a singer / guitarist. The band consisted of Tom (16 years, guitar), Steve (16 years, drums) and Yann (19 years, bass). We arrange for an audition. At the audition shows that the three great musicians are technically very good. I think I'm on a level below, but they are super my audition. They have finally found someone who can sing reasonably well as guitar. I've found my voice never great, but I know I can keep a little note. I was employed as a singer / guitarist. In the coming months we rehearse regularly. I amuse myself together hand in the music playing. We do not play quietly, but my ears never squeal after a rehearsal, and I never had an earache afterwards and the day after. Playing guitar and singing to yourself is fun. But if you can do with other musicians, and you hear that it sounds good, that's still a higher dimension. In August following the climax: we play on August 13, 2000 at Marktrock in Leuven. It's just a small stage, we play for a few hundred men, but that can not harm us. We play some covers of Moby, Pennywise, Metallica and Radiohead. I hear the sounds and the audience responds enthusiastically. This is really nothing else around. I've always "musical orgasm" mentioned. We just play well and get nice comments from the public. I had already happened before, but this was still a higher dimension. That moment was a highlight, but unfortunately also a turning point. Due to time problems we could not rehearse regularly. Steve and Tom were still in fact secondary, and could only rehearse on weekends. I was only a week in Leuven and at the weekend in Essen, so we did early 2001 no common free time. I thought it was sad at that moment but not a disaster, I had little time, and I thought I had found love. With An, my best childhood friend, because I recently started a relationship. At times a man foolish enough to "love" to give up everything without problems.
September 24, 2001
In June 2001 I study off as an industrial engineer, and, because I'm a little too easy for me, I decide to go for Civil Engineering in two years. In order to be admitted before you had time to pass a ingansexamen. You got a stack of four courses 3rd year courses from the civil engineer sent, you had to study and take exams.
I had changed from the old digs because I was quite tired after having 4 years. It had been great, but I think it could only be worse. I was ready for a new challenge. But the new digs, I seemed to sit next to a noise maker. He wanted his music quietly while I continue studying. So I was forced to study with oorwatten. Sometimes he made so much noise that oorwatten not enough. Oorwatten I did in my ears and ear flaps around. Only then it was quiet enough. I blocked one month before my exams, put them on and succeeded for one week. During those days the attacks happened on the Twin Towers on 9 / 11, but I was so busy with the exams that I knew nothing. My towers were still collapse. My towers still had to collapse. An did not sit it between us. That was a big blow for me, because I was still in love with her. When I collapsed emotionally together. I had some coming, but hoped that it would not happen, or I was too blind to see it would happen. The sour soon afterwards was that we took a trip with two planned. I was not looking forward to with two to go, but because I felt that after a long study trip deserved, so I decided to just two to travel.
Thursday was thus made, and we left Monday on a trip to Italy. We flew on Monday, September 17 from Charleroi to Pisa. There we went to the area Cinqueterre, a beautiful coastal area. We did it trips, hiking, kayaking, cycling and even more vanalles. The trip itself was quite nice for the circumstances, but I felt emotionally devastated. For months I had been looking forward to a great trip, but the circumstances were of course less than hoped for so long. I wish I had never done that trip. Not the journey itself, but by something at September 24 happened on the way back. On the way home I got some on An argument with only a bagatelle, but the atmosphere was ruined anyway. I felt really bad, was really quite emotional in a knot. "No problem", I thought, "once the plane lands in Charleroi, and we each have our own way." When the plane fell from the sky to Charleroi, but it dropped rapidly. I had terrible pains in my ears. I looked around me on the plane, many on the plane and took to their ears. Almost everyone seemed to have hurt his ears. I asked it to An, and she appeared in pain. Once the aircraft is on the ground was the pain disappeared, and so I thought that the misery was over.
The day after classes began in civil engineering. But I felt mentally and physically ill. Mentally because I did not have nowhere near An was around, I felt physical pain in my ears. The professors in class seemed too loud to talk, it sounded so dull in my ears. My ears felt as if I had picked up again a noise trauma. I started to get scared, I did not know where the pain came from. Then I started to think about. I was not too loud at a party before? I had my ears always protected? I figured that it could come once the flight: "Too much noise can cause noise trauma. Sound is actually pressure pulses, an airplane that drops also causes pressure in the ears ... "Then the connection was quickly made: I had a noise trauma by the way! I totally did not know that was possible, and I totally did not know why I was now behind: namely, the year I had flown before without problems (including travel to China). I asked myself many questions. Why did it happen to me that noise trauma? Was it because I already had a little bit damaged ears that I rose again? Was it because the plane sank too fast? Was it because I was emotionally tied in knots that physically came out? Was it because I oorwatten weeks with earplugs in and about that I had studied more, by high taxes on my ears could? I did not know the questions gnawed at me. I suspect the answer is a combination of the different possibilities. I felt very bad and I had the previous year as hard as I tried to sound any further trauma to rise, and now this happened ... I was so scared that I decided never to fly that would not happen to me.
Slowly I recovered from the noise trauma: a few weeks after all the sounds were not hurt my ears, but I found myself again had suffered permanent damage. Fortunately there were the great Kots Tones, which I'm very hard on amused. So I could displace my sorrow for An. I had repeatedly discos and pubs putin my oorwatten, much more than before. In November 2001 was the exhibition match between Clijsters and Henin emerging tennis talent. I followed the game at home in Essen for the TV. Outside the racket during tennis strokes, the game silent. But I noticed that in my ears was very quiet ... there was a beep in my ears, louder than the sound that I had since 1996. And months after that fateful flight to my ears! I once had apparently suffered permanent damage to my ears! I got scared and took me again that I would do everything to prevent further oorschade in my life to avoid. I would always take oorwatten, always too loud, I'd put in them!
2002 was a super fun year. I amused myself rotting in the last year of my college days. I spent all my time going out, playing guitar, singing, sports and social hang out. These were my passions. Occasionally a little bit of studying if need be. I had quite some experience in field study, knew exactly what I could afford, many lessons I had to not follow through to get there. After months of partying and I turned just before the exams the button from a party animal I became a monk. Blanco courses were started, livelong day at a time, almost no outside. So I could without too much trouble getting through it.
The year 2003 would definitely change my life. For the first day I was tormented by tinnitus and hyperacusis, and I trudged into a depression. Sporadically I had some contacts with drummer Steve. In February 2003 he asked me to return with them to play. Because he and Tom are no longer in secondary sat, it was no longer a problem for a week to rehearse. I did an audition for another few hours, and again it was perfectly fine. We hit it off well again, and our musical ensemble sounded good again. I was again singer / guitarist of a band. But my ears were clear case since the aircraft has become more sensitive. Every rehearsal I played all the time with my yellow earplugs. For months we rehearsed one evening every week 4 hours at a stretch. Because I'm not a student could afford cars, bassist Benno me always in my room at Heverlee out for rehearsal 10 km further Herent.
On a Wednesday in April 2003 I noticed, however, after we had arrived in Herent that I had forgotten my yellow oorwatten rapped in order to quickly start rehearsing. "No problem", I thought, "rehearsals without a oorwatten would be fine." "rehearse once without oorwatten would succeed." Every day since that day I curse myself that I'm not required to first go get my oorwatten. We played loud that day. Tom continued his loud guitar amp and my guitar playing I had to hear my amp even louder turn. After a time, the mother of Steve say that we surely were playing very loud. I did not kick, showing weakness is not an option in the metal world. I also took Benno not bother to specifically back and forth for me to ride to Leuven. I was stupid! When we return to it after the rehearsal Leuven reason and they buzzed my ears rang loud.
The next day I woke up and I heard only one thing: piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip ... So loud was my tinnitus has never been. I reassured me with the thought that it would pass, but after a few days, the beep is still there, just as hard. Many noises hurt my ears. Even flushed toilets, running water, a squeaky door, smiling people, teaching professors, all of the cut to the bone. I started to google for "earache" and "tinnitus". For the first time I discovered the term "tinnitus", "hyperacusis" and especially "incurable". I did not believe it, and went through several Hearing experts. After the third ear specialist I had to be believed: irreversible oorschade incurable. What I found was the terrible lack of human dimension to the various Hearing experts. In one breath they told "incurable, blah, that's as much €". Horrible inhumane. No way: "Go over there to counsel," or "maybe you can try." No problem, I went my plan minds. I read a lot about tinnitus and hyperacusis on the internet and was frightened by. But I was realistic enough. I immediately decided to quit the band and my guitar amp for sale. That was a pity, because in a band and appearance was the sweetest thing I did. But I wanted my health is not at risk. I would not continue to damage my ears! I could not have the heart to my electric guitar to get rid of. I play on my computer since then more boxes, which can not be too loud, but decent enough.
The months after I was first confronted with the high sensitivity of my ears, and the slow recovery of the ears in terms of sensitivity to noise. The first time in my life I had to cancel appointments with comrades because it was too painful for the ears. Not just going out or cafe was painful, but even just make something to eat or workout. My ears had to rest. Luckily I had a thesis to finish, which at that time was disastrous for. Before that I had planned to do nothing more for school than there just to get by. For the thesis that I was planning. But since my ear was suddenly quiet social life, and I searched the thesis one way to my frustration in a positive way to respond. That way, the thesis is still a good end, and I had my frustration vented in a healthy way. I also went along to the hearing center in Leuven Laperre. I made an appointment with the hearing care over there. He was the first who told me that I really had to look for my ears. I had to keep out noise, and when I went there, I had to wear oorwatten. The classic yellow oorwatten were good enough to hold against the most noise, so you're safe. He meette the strength of my tinnitus, and my pain threshold. If I'm not mistaken at that time were respectively 50 and 90 dB.
My ears recovered well the months. I had suffered permanent damage, but the sensitivity and pain level went to an acceptable level. By a very short week to sleep to the thesis to get back, I got a different impact. I was sick for one week. Since all my classes were still blank, it was impossible for me to pass all exams. I took this decision to the rational two exams to sit out the second set, and the other five blocks so hard that I was in the clear. I have refrained in this examination period. It was also during this time that Metallica - still by far my favorite band - released a new CD, St. Anger. I bought the CD but I was immediately disappointed. The power and aggression were back, but melodic, sounding of the past did not hear you on the CD. Meanwhile, Metallica began to tour. Between picked by studying I took it on the Internet. I looked at the set lists that Metallica played. It was incredible. They played almost all their good old songs of yesteryear. They met early in July at Rock Werchter, but I had no tickets. I surfed a look at ebay. There were tickets on sale for Saturday, the day that Metallica came. I was just wondering if I should do, or would that not too loud for my ears. "No," I thought to myself, "That guy from the auditory center said that my yellow oorwatten am well protected." And I had a couple of times with no problems at Rock Werchter been, even without oorwatten. I finally buy tickets through ebay and pay too much for: € 113, while an original ticket cost € 50. But I did not care, I could look at my heroes, all my favorite songs played live.
Then there was the day I finally went to see Metallica is reborn. This after I had earned my deep examination series I found. I went to the meadow of Werchter, assured me and my yellow oorwatten it in my pocket. Because I did not want to experience again the same as a few months before. On the prairie I met with Steve and Benno, ex-bandmates. We kept the whole day somewhat apart from the performances, and only started to look even Queens of the Stone Age performed. Then it was the turn of Arno. We wanted to put us well, we wanted our heroes up close. We were not quite in front, not closer than I without problems a few years before had stood. I'd clean my little yellow oorwatten in, as deep in my oorschacht, like the man of the auditory cortex had advised me. I was safe. I thought. The occurrence of Metallica was one big orgasm. They played their best songs, such as 10-15 years before again overruled, and the action was done in no time. By oorwatten I understand that the numbers are not so good. Yellow oorwatten distortion is the sound. Usually I pass by one minute after the song they were playing. But the crowds having fun, I amused me greatly. My heroes were back! And I had seen them live! I took the bus home, along with Steve and Benno. I heard no more ringing in my ears. I thought it was good.
I am waking up the day at no extra noise in my ears. All right, do you. In the evening we have a family party and accidentally put my uncle Metallica quietly. The morning I wake up there. My room is very quiet but my ears. I listen to the beeps in my ears, who for months has strongly houses. These are still the same. Not soft, but not louder. New however is that I have a hum to. That was not there before! I come down and see my dad, mom, brother and sister. Every word they say is an incredible amount of pain, every sound cuts through the bone. A new sound trauma is my part, though my ears had protected with yellow oorwatten! In retrospect, the extra buzz easily explained: the yellow oorwatten protected my ears from the high frequencies. But the bass shook the floor just along from my body to my ears, and brought harm to the bass. I recovered very slowly and painfully of this sound trauma. My ears and my life would never be the same. It was not that annoying hum se, but rather the fact that its frequency in the human speech zone. Since then I am sensitive to voices. Especially my own. For everything falls mute with oorwatten except their own voice.
All sound began to hurt my ears. Everywhere I went was sound hurt. My friends did not understand me because I look nothing to see. Throughout my life I was usually cheerful, happy and energetic. Almost always positive and optimistic. I almost never bored, I could always only deal. From this moment would change. By tinnitus and hyperacusis, I was a mortal passion, listless and negative. I did not always have the energy to recharge myself. This way I sank into a depression even I knew at that moment. I graduated in the summer as a civil engineer, to a lesser economic times. It was not so easy to find work. The few places that I could do was start working in production, you can not do for my ears. I started to get more and more afraid to do things. Almost everything my ears hurt. For months I was listless at home, I dared not leave. Comrades, I heard less and less. The feeling that people slip away from you is terrible. I understand them or that they did not understand, because there was nothing to look to see me. With the continued support of my parents but I kept full. I must really, really thank them for this.
I wondered why this had to happen to me? I had twice in my life without hearing protection in noise stood TWICE! There are many people who come more frequently in noise, and nothing up. Of those two times I had as much lasting damage. In 2003 I heard that there are people in my family who have a similar ailment, though far less pronounced. My grandfather, a cousin and an aunt have a mild form of hyperacusis. Apparently the sensitivity is hereditary, and I just bad luck. This combined with my adoration of metal, and my stupidity at that time not to leave two to loud noises, have brought me to where I stood in 2003: in a deep depression.
Re Standing - 2004 resurrection
Thanks to Dr. De Ridder of the UZA doctor gave me a resurrection. He was the first doctor who understood me, and I felt for the first time a doctor at ease with my ear ache. He said I was the first tinnitus and hyperacusis. Back in your ear a lot cilia. This put the pressure pulse (what sound) into an electrical signal through the nerves to your brains. If a certain sound at a certain frequency, it vibrates the vibrating hair that belongs at that frequency. This is passed to your brains. So we hear. These cilia may be marred vibrate when the sound is too loud. Then they break down, and it seems as if your brains for vibrating hair that is constantly vibrating. You'll hear a constant noise that really is not. This is tinnitus. Everyone does it ever use, if at a party too loud / too loud action was. Then you come out at night, and you have squeaky ears. The next morning, however, they usually recovered. But if the sound was too loud, then restore them no more. Are you for the rest of your life with this lasting beep. The sensitivity to noise can be explained by your brains that something is wrong: they hear a constant sound of the vibrating hair that is broken. Your brains instinctively think "there is something wrong." Then they go harder listening to that frequency, and all sound is amplified in your brains. A sort of hyperactivity of your auditory cortex. Tinnitus / hyperacusis is in fact a miscommunication between your ears and your brains.
Finally I got an acceptable explanation for my ailment, while far too late. He was the first doctor I categorically warned to keep out noise. But the damage had been done. He wrote me the medication for deanxit and Rivotril. It is respectively an antidepressant and an anticonvulsant. But the cocktail works well with tinnitus and hyperacusis: it suppresses the activation of the brains. You are your tone and not lose your sensitivity to noise, but it takes away the sharp edges on it. I took the medication, and my life became a little more bearable. Gradually, I dared come out again and do things.
When I left auditory cortex Laperre oorwatten customization. They sprayed a liquid into my ears, and solidified so that the shape of my oorschacht had. In retrospect this was a hole made in it and put a filter of 30 dB. I had earplugs so that the ambient noise made quieter, without distortion. These earplugs I really had them.
A few months later I closed the rotjaar "depressed home" to start off by a PhD in ELECTA, at the KULeuven. I never necessarily want a PhD, but circumstances is it run. I was extremely scared to go to work, for fear of noise. But I had to try something. I rented me a quiet studio and I started working ELECTA. The noise level was quite turn out okay. I sat on a desk with two quiet people. Gradually my fear of sounds to take the stress in my head to slow down, and my sensitivity to noise was less. I met great people to know Electa and they asked me in the pub. I had fear, but still wanted to try. For the first time in eighteen years, I went again at a quiet cafe with a few comrades. That worked, but with oorwatten of course. Cinema year I had not tried for fear. With oorwatten succeeded. Gradually, I dared my self confidence and more things without problems. Even managed to fly amended special oorwatten. I could even go back to bars with loud music going. Even though I had oorwatten in, I felt it the day there. But only one day is not so bad earache. Thanks Rivotril deanxit and my life became bearable again. I could bring back a little bit socially, talk did not hurt anymore, and I had fun back in life. I could own at weddings on the dance remain in oorwatten. I could be back together after a few songs to sing without an earache. I felt better. This was really a revival for me. Appearances, however, I was avoided like the plague. From late 2004 to 2006, I had relatively few problems with the ears, at least a lot less than in 2003. Occasionally I got a downturn for a little too loud activity, but the rest of the community where I lived in Heverlee and peace at work was no problem to them slowly to recover.
In March 2006 I learned the love of my life to know. Quite by chance I met Sharon at a forum on the Internet. We got to chat via IM, and it clicked immediately. A few days after we got to know each other so we agreed to see whether it really clicked so well. And from the first moment we saw each other was it good. I was instantly in love with her. She was so cool, so sweet, so handsome, so sympathetic, and got along great. We were almost immediately a couple. I told her about my ears, but not as dramatically as before, for it was indeed a lot better with me.
Relapse - July 2006
In the summer of 2006, after a few months relationship, Sharon asked if I wanted to know her friends. We would go to the Tieltse Festivals. I imagined no questions because I was curious to know her friends and I went along. However, there appeared to be performing. No problem I thought, I love myself very far from the performances, and try my hardest in oorwatten. We had a nice evening, I watched it well for a lot of noise to stay away. We were preparing to go home, and far from the music I did my oorwatten out. Then suddenly it happened. Near where we stood off fireworks began stabbing. By the time I had in my oorwatten we were popping a few more.
The morning I woke up there was no earache. I thought nothing was wrong. Gradually throughout the day but my ears were getting more and more pain. The days there felt terribly painful to them, all sound hurt. I was angry with Sharon that she had brought me to the Tieltse parties, but of course it was my fault to occur again at one go. Now I still think that the damage sustained by the fireworks came, and not the performances. After months of earache, the ear gradually improved. I have to keep very quiet. Have long silence because the voice was very on the ears, at work antisocial do not agree outside of work. My salvation was the Internet. Through forums and chat in a quiet way I could still do socially. A few months after Tielt showed that I had suffered permanent oorschade. My ear pain was back on the level of the past. The pain and the beep that you three months after a loud activity is to be aware, is permanent.
Again my life was limited. Many things turned too loud again. And when I did something social and fun to do, I usually had to pay for long months with earaches. Rehabilitation, these were still heavier. You repeatedly for months in silence shroud eats at you, especially if you are socially constructed. For the umpteenth time comrades tell you can not come because you oorlast have ... for the umpteenth time for months on your room locked and all social proposals ignore ... So did my day out in periods recovering from a noise trauma: getting up, going to work go see people at work, nod hello because talk was hurt the whole morning working in silence, at noon only to eat, all the conversations turn to questions, working, some internet, alone at night to eat, and go back to work a room at night.
I struggled with myself to relax. My main hobbies I could not perform. Guitar and / or singing was not done. Listening to music could not. At the cafe or going to a party without it. Talking to people was not an option. Another passion of mine was sport. But I trudged with a weird pain in my shins, but I do not hit off. I've tried everything: rest, physiotherapy, exercises, gait analysis, bone scan, ultrasound, insoles in a static manner and made insoles in a dynamic way, osteopathy, adjusting the diet, nothing helped! For years I tried but I could not exercise. Sports continued to hurt. So I could not even carry my hobbies. I tried other ways to relax: reading and web, but I felt constantly frustrated.
Three cases have dragged me this. There was the incredible support of my parents. Relentless, they always supported me, thank you very much for this! Secondly, there was Sharon, who was very understanding. She studied in Ghent, while I was working in Leuven. Very often they chatted with me, they exhorted me to rest on, and made me feel not alone. Thanks for everything Sharon! I think they often feel powerless, but she really pulled through this period. Thirdly, there was my PhD. I was incredibly frustrated by the ears, and put this negative energy into positive energy by livelong day working on my PhD. The research work was quiet, so no problem for my ears. On ELECTA there were not many meetings, so I had my ears and could not talk to rest. The result of my hard work could be seen. The people at the company I performed my doctoral work, were extremely pleased, even impressed. Something so positive to the ears.
Half 2008 I began to look for work after my PhD. I finally found work at OCAS in Zelzate, a renowned research center of ArcelorMittal and the Flemish government. Here I could start working in February 2009. I felt safe to sit in research. This is that my ears could handle. For this I needed to move to Ghent. But no worries, my girlfriend was in Ghent, and a social person like me would quickly make comrades. Together with Sharon was not an option because they still had a room until the summer. From a social and financial aspects, and because I had good experiences in Leuven, I searched myself for a community half years. The fear that I would find anything decent but I chose to fast for a given community. I was initially impressed by the garden, but did not see how bad and dirty the house was there.
The transition to Ghent was initially difficult for me. I came into a company with lots of unknown people died in a city I did not know, and a house where I've never really felt at ease. I also felt immediately that the workload in such a company a lot higher than at the university. But no complaining about this, because here I was looking for. Before I went to Ghent, I had my reservations about the move. I would be able to thrive in Ghent? Would people have come to visit me? Several comrades reassured me, Ghent was not that far and they would all come to visit. I've never seen anyone by circumstances. I felt abandoned.
Death Cross - March 2009 Kiss of Death
Then there was the stag of a comrade. At first I had no desire to go, but Sharon urged me to go because I'm not so good in my skin felt, what was true. (What I mean nothing bad to say about Sharon.) I went to it and it was a great day. Lots of laughter and entertainment. As time passed however, I feel my ears. I could not resist at that time: "I will not leave here, I want to keep having fun!" I have stayed at dinner, which I had in my oorwatten, and very briefly in a karaoke bar. Since I noticed that the music was too loud and I wisely decided to go home. I was left too late. Again I had permanent damage. This was first evident two months later, when Sharon and I had invited a friend of hers in the community in Wondelgem. Just a quiet evening chatting with friends was much pain in my ears. All sound was again hurt my ears. I started to lose faith in life, and I told Sharon that things looked bleak as it would remain. Of course she burst into tears, I did not offend her, but my life is really not much earache. The situation was not the same as before. In Ghent I was not in such a peaceful community, and also the work was noisier. I went to the doctor who wrote me one week illness. After that it works quite well again and I feel antisocial. People ignore all, do anti-social, just eating, working, as the Internet. I was immensely frustrated. I rested one month and we invited a good friend from another, the same: earache. But a half months later I had my preliminary thesis defense, the jury and I alone. I have to defend my work hours, then looked cool my former colleagues back again, and I wanted to chat with everyone. Is not that logical? Of course, but not with sensitive ears. This is my own great fault. Thus the only drag earache.
Trust me, I know my ears to feel. The ears are permanently snow white again worsened. The beep sound in my ears was the first really no longer bearable. He comes over everything. I would still could live with, but the sensitivity to noise has become so bad! Despite heavier medication is very EVERYTHING to my ears, especially my own voice. I can not communicate, just a minute I have much need to talk to people. I'm really very nice fellow, but I am not able to speak with them! I do my job at OCAS like death, and I Intrinsically certainly capable of that job to perform very well. But I feel that I have this job not my ears go on to perform. They restore no longer an acceptable level. My life quality is still too low to be able to live with this. Hundreds of times I fought back after noise trauma, silence enveloped me, my anti-social behavior, all proposals for social activities declined, and I locked up until there was improvement. But there is a limit somewhere. The limit is reached. Please respect my choice, my life has become a hell.
FAREWELL LETTER
I'm on. I have now since my 16th hundred times fought to come back after noise trauma, I still antisocial shrouded in silence and waited for improvement. I always fought back until I was better. Hundreds of times. But somewhere it stops. I have not the strength to fight against it. I do not want to live like a plant with such severe disability. I want to do socially, I want my work normally can perform two essential things for me. That can not be.
Dear parents, Hannelore and Bernd, you deserve absolutely not. I have always greatly enjoyed your love, good education and the heat at home. You have given me great support, there is nothing to reproach you. I'm so terribly that I'm so selfish. I feel very guilty. But I am really. I can not fight it. With the current situation of the ears I really can not live.
Dear Sharon, it really has nothing to do with you. Months ago I sat here all along in my head, I told you. You're the last years of my life colored. With your beautiful appearance and great personality was a breath of fresh air in recent years. You dragged me always and always gave me great support. But I have a limit.
I want to emphasize that this is entirely my own fault! I myself, and I ONLY have my ears blown, time after time, I've never been aware of the dangers. This does not happen on a whim. I've always thought the last few years - if the ears were anoying - I at that time just could live with it, but it's not a step could be worse. Well, that step is now happened anyway. And there's really no improvement. The medications that I currently take is up to, other treatments do not exist. There is no cure. Here it stops for me.
I have throughout my life twice my ears are not protected in noise (Sepultura 1996 rehearsal 2003). TWICE! I also have my ears ALWAYS protected! Yet I have immense oorschade incurred. Where is the justice? What have I done to deserve this? Why should the music everywhere so loudly? Why is there so much noise in this world? Why is loud equals good?
To everyone: I have you all liked, and always like to have lived. But with this ailment is not my life more enjoyable. I can not communicate normally, I can not work normally, my life has become a hell. Accept if you please that I've reached my limit. Every day is a nightmare for me.
They say that every suicide is a cry for attention. Well, this is also a cry for attention. I do not want anyone else comes across the same as me. Ensure all good for your ears! Protect them! Or stay away from too much noise! I can not emphasize this enough.
Peace, love, empathy,
Dietrich - I see you all very much
PS: I have one last wish: to play the full version of One by Metallica in my funeral, my favorite song.